I've always had this deep understanding that I should not have lived. I see my life as one big joke, Due to the circumstances of my birth.. I guess it could be interpreted in two ways, But either is not one I would have wished on anyone. I mean.. My colour's.. my joke.. me the joke! I'm not even God damn funny.
I have this thing about me that which leaves me to really turn my ear in the opposite direction of conversation, I really really really hate having to open my mouth n talk.. I don't have the desire to too.. I only do so when I have a passionate spark of revelation that I can't keep with in myself. I kinda just need someone to empathize with me and have my life seem so less awkward.
God God God!!
Don't mistake this as depression, I'm quite happy in my ignorance and in my "world" although right now.. I'm quite lost.. I don't have anyone to turn too, I have no-one who will comfort me in my time of need. I am emotionless!! again.. the darkness calls me with solace.. with pleasure with needing.. my curtains shut my eyes open but closed.. the darkness that feels so warm.. so fresh.. so right.. How I miss the abyss of the soul, the consumption the fire. I wanna burn bitch burn! The light was never my thing, Maybe everyone is right.. maybe I am that which dwells in the place angels fear to go. My temple, My fear, My heart<3333
Righteousness, holiness, love.. wisdom.. How far fetched was I thinking.. My own personal stigmata.. sanctification, Well right.
Be blessed, and pray I find my way.
narwhaly0!
Friday, 22 April 2011
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Cutters Choice and that Staircase to HERE!!
Well things are seemingly well. Truthfully however things are very "plastic", I feel very un-easy about things, I've seemed to have lost trust in my own sense of understanding of situations. Paradigm shift - The very idea was one that has eluded myself until recently until it all began to make such wonderful and logical sense.
Up until this point the majority of friendships I've had were with younger less emotional balanced individuals and this is in no-way a direct dig at those people, But rather a way of me saying, You guys are not on my level, stop attempting to be.
This last week I saw a number of people who I used to arrogantly flaunt my superior knowledge of the world in there faces and in 3 years have come to now see the humility in which there achievement in life had had serious effectiveness in my outlook, But rather than an step back I saw it as a freedom, Not so much of a way of comparison but more a gratitude for what short comings I had afflicted onto myself since I was 16.
It is true that the colours of a person will eventually be revealed to those who look. People are always on the defensive with me afraid of something, Respite malice and pure indulgence in creating chaos. Even now the thought is so beautiful as a grin is slowly making its way across my face, But why would I? As much as a dickhead I come across as it is much more fun to leave things to fate/chance/others over than my control because I am more of a romantic than a insecure man finding validation in his own action.
Putting it bluntly, If I had to be the person people "think" of me too be I would have psychologically and emotionally crippled you to a point that no amount of medication would fix in the years to come. So lets thank God that I am not because as Ive said before its not as fun as the way of having no control.
I'm not out to hurt anyone, even when they do stab away at me, I mean whats the point? cycle's of pain ain't no fun cuse I always win!
Anyway this wall of text will obviously have many of you in disagreement or dis-approving "hmmmms" of "no" or "die in fire" or even the simple his a twat!
See you on the flipside x
Up until this point the majority of friendships I've had were with younger less emotional balanced individuals and this is in no-way a direct dig at those people, But rather a way of me saying, You guys are not on my level, stop attempting to be.
This last week I saw a number of people who I used to arrogantly flaunt my superior knowledge of the world in there faces and in 3 years have come to now see the humility in which there achievement in life had had serious effectiveness in my outlook, But rather than an step back I saw it as a freedom, Not so much of a way of comparison but more a gratitude for what short comings I had afflicted onto myself since I was 16.
It is true that the colours of a person will eventually be revealed to those who look. People are always on the defensive with me afraid of something, Respite malice and pure indulgence in creating chaos. Even now the thought is so beautiful as a grin is slowly making its way across my face, But why would I? As much as a dickhead I come across as it is much more fun to leave things to fate/chance/others over than my control because I am more of a romantic than a insecure man finding validation in his own action.
Putting it bluntly, If I had to be the person people "think" of me too be I would have psychologically and emotionally crippled you to a point that no amount of medication would fix in the years to come. So lets thank God that I am not because as Ive said before its not as fun as the way of having no control.
I'm not out to hurt anyone, even when they do stab away at me, I mean whats the point? cycle's of pain ain't no fun cuse I always win!
Anyway this wall of text will obviously have many of you in disagreement or dis-approving "hmmmms" of "no" or "die in fire" or even the simple his a twat!
See you on the flipside x
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