I want war.

I will stand my ground, Alone! I've seen this place before and I said I wont do this anymore.. But you want war?

I hate being made the reason, I hate being more disgusted with myself than what you could have ever come up against me with. I refuse to let go of who I am and who I will be, You say I lie to myself about this? hahahahahahah, NO-ONE KNOWS ME and NEVER WILL KNOW ME.

For to long have I sat here broken, I will meet you and I will fucking end you.

What it is about the fire?

Its hiding something, Just like people do.. Sometimes you have to get close to see whats inside and sometimes.. you have to get burnt to see the truth..

~cmn its play time~

I'm dying.

I'm weak.

Time to get stronger?

Lost them all.. Never happening again.

Wasting half the day, Living half the night!

Moved too and beyond, Only time will tell! Only God can guide, In him I trust.

Makes you wanna cry.

Die n fly.

So.. I was ill ( my lungs again ), the coughing then popped a disk out and bang I had a slipped disk and I have been on my back for the better part of a month, I have also discovered that I have Manic Depression yo!

A month of which has re-shaped the person I am, I spoke once of being a butterfly in waiting, A ugly duckling eh? I'm faced with yesterday and It's all gravy now, Tomorrow will come in its own time, God's hammered in patients ( I think I get it now ).

I have been oh so disappointed with people though, oOoh So diSsaPointed!!

I needed support, My life changed and I was left alone in the hour at which I lay down my arms and prayed in hope, I expected more than this.. from "you" and from God.. God I do know will satisfy, "you" on the other hand.. Well you can fuck off!

Kitty cats making me rage!

This here will be the most important post that I have posted to date. I have been torn apart and left to the wolves of the mind to eat at me, Prometheus at best, I have an fate to attend too. For to long have I fought alone on these open planes for to long have others been oblivious to the plight of our generation, My voice being stripped from my being. They came for lungs first, trying to keep my quiet in a time when I had to praise, they never took my life but that was never the intended purpose. They came after my mind, driving me deep into an abyss only few have entered, I stood alone before him and rejected his non-authority. Now they have come to cripple my body in the atempt to have me forsake the faith I hold dear.

I am slipping into the blackness, Mania fused with apathy riddles my mind the only had been sanctuary from the pain. I feel slightly regressive, breaking out of my shell to spread my wings and fly. To what though would be the question but this will all be answered soon I spose. To all those who'm have disappointed me understand this depending on who I chose to be I will fuck you up. I will bare the mark of redemption and you're doubting spirit will be broken and you will seek forgiveness that you will not see light of, I will break you and personally feed you to the wolves, that or I could forgive, lets see what God would have of me.

XXX

I went to Amsterdam, it was something I regret but something I don't. It was a city that made my fire burn, A city that challenged every moral every principle I had come to value, It was in Amsterdam I realized how I'd given up and how I had lost my will to strive..

I don't think people have noticed that for a long time I have been alot weaker in all regards, I dont know why.. But each day is becoming more of a struggle mentally due to my lungs passing. I seriously feel I have lost the will to live entirely.

The person I am Is not the person I am.
narwhalyo : dont presume to know
narwhalyo : make sure to know
narwhalyo : it is our business to know
narwhalyo : you know?


I know. I want to fight. God I want to fight again I cry for the sword and shield and the thunderous fields on which battles lay waiting, so tempting that I lick my lips in anticipation, But I can't move. This time last year I lost a fight, a pretty big one, I believe I have have spent the year re-gaining everything I had lost in that defeat. As the battle was lost the war will be won, I mean I have won through Christ?

I wanted to question loyalty: I don't think the "british" ( I use this word to describe the people I know as "british" not the entire nation) have this principle, they're lack of it has made me come to a few realizations, Friendships arent real here, Depression is not real here and love is not real here.

I don't know, I'm just that guy who talks shit right?

I think I've lost love.

Names Mitch.

Drum.

drum drum drum

My fingers are white like whispers.

I'm crying out here for something, Something beyond the something which would have satisfied my desire yesterday!

For too long have I been wandering this vast desert which has had no fruit come of it! For to long have I cried out the fathers name...
Father I await you in that place you have prepared.

I'm fasting next week, I'm tired of being apathetic to my own cause, I fought alone a long time ago and broke, I have yet to repair.. But thats due to my own foolishness of not asking the father.. But this time.. This time!! I know my God is faithful. I know my God is caring and I know my God can win any fight! Do not forget that this is a fight, A serious fight.. the last fight in this saga of my life.. the last fight until I am at the water's edge.. drinking of it as if was life itself.

I am done waiting, This is the last time. I will find victory in God. I have too.

To all those who'm have helped but have fallen short.. Thank you, Thank you so much.
To those who think I am being over dramatic in all this - You have no idea how understated what I am saying is.

Come at me bro!

I am more than ready, world I hope you are.

I swear down blud, I'm running on empty.

I've always had this deep understanding that I should not have lived. I see my life as one big joke, Due to the circumstances of my birth.. I guess it could be interpreted in two ways, But either is not one I would have wished on anyone. I mean.. My colour's.. my joke.. me the joke! I'm not even God damn funny.

I have this thing about me that which leaves me to really turn my ear in the opposite direction of conversation, I really really really hate having to open my mouth n talk.. I don't have the desire to too.. I only do so when I have a passionate spark of revelation that I can't keep with in myself. I kinda just need someone to empathize with me and have my life seem so less awkward.

God God God!!

Don't mistake this as depression, I'm quite happy in my ignorance and in my "world" although right now.. I'm quite lost.. I don't have anyone to turn too, I have no-one who will comfort me in my time of need. I am emotionless!! again.. the darkness calls me with solace.. with pleasure with needing.. my curtains shut my eyes open but closed.. the darkness that feels so warm.. so fresh.. so right.. How I miss the abyss of the soul, the consumption the fire. I wanna burn bitch burn! The light was never my thing, Maybe everyone is right.. maybe I am that which dwells in the place angels fear to go. My temple, My fear, My heart<3333

Righteousness, holiness, love.. wisdom.. How far fetched was I thinking.. My own personal stigmata.. sanctification, Well right.

Be blessed, and pray I find my way.

narwhaly0!

Do something batman!

Its good. All good.

Cutters Choice and that Staircase to HERE!!

Well things are seemingly well. Truthfully however things are very "plastic", I feel very un-easy about things, I've seemed to have lost trust in my own sense of understanding of situations. Paradigm shift - The very idea was one that has eluded myself until recently until it all began to make such wonderful and logical sense.

Up until this point the majority of friendships I've had were with younger less emotional balanced individuals and this is in no-way a direct dig at those people, But rather a way of me saying, You guys are not on my level, stop attempting to be.

This last week I saw a number of people who I used to arrogantly flaunt my superior knowledge of the world in there faces and in 3 years have come to now see the humility in which there achievement in life had had serious effectiveness in my outlook, But rather than an step back I saw it as a freedom, Not so much of a way of comparison but more a gratitude for what short comings I had afflicted onto myself since I was 16.

It is true that the colours of a person will eventually be revealed to those who look. People are always on the defensive with me afraid of something, Respite malice and pure indulgence in creating chaos. Even now the thought is so beautiful as a grin is slowly making its way across my face, But why would I? As much as a dickhead I come across as it is much more fun to leave things to fate/chance/others over than my control because I am more of a romantic than a insecure man finding validation in his own action.

Putting it bluntly, If I had to be the person people "think" of me too be I would have psychologically and emotionally crippled you to a point that no amount of medication would fix in the years to come. So lets thank God that I am not because as Ive said before its not as fun as the way of having no control.

I'm not out to hurt anyone, even when they do stab away at me, I mean whats the point? cycle's of pain ain't no fun cuse I always win!

Anyway this wall of text will obviously have many of you in disagreement or dis-approving "hmmmms" of "no" or "die in fire" or even the simple his a twat!

See you on the flipside x

Brother's and Sister's

Why, Why now? why do I feel so envious.. Envious of a past self.
I used to rule this world and stood on the summit viewing what was to one day be mine, I dream it still. THEN WHY IS IT I FEEL SO UN-EXPERIENCED. Why isit that I torture my heart by looking through endless photo's of those close to me and there God damn adventures while knowing full well mine will never be shown.

I feel so trapped in ignorance, I feel so helpless, I feel so hopeless I feel so forgotten by a God who promised, Who promised me. Why is it when I ask I receive in seed and not in fruit? Why is it that you know best? why why why why!!

A wordly man that lost his world..

I've done nothing, I've seen nothing, I do nothing, I am becoming nothing. A nothing that feels so comfortable to my soul, A desire I used to call on when all else was dark and in my sorrow capture it and bind it to my open wounds only to remind me that I am the nothingness of a mere joke. The storms coming and I am fearful that I have forgotten who I am. I am lonely. I am lost in apathy and I have forgotten all. My hea

help.

On a cloud 9!

Alright so things are falling into place!

Basically I'm looking fresh in these jeans, Should have job/income support rather soon - Quite excited as I know God has some insane plan to bless me with! ( $$£$££ )

I have been struggling with needing a zoot - Its been a real struggle not have crow on me at the moment, specially with the weather being so amazing!

My faith is strong but still nowhere as I should be! I just love Jesus so much mayn! Can not wait to worship tonight! Oh hold tight South East London watch the re-insurgence Christ has plans for this land of his! Malham is gna bring come hard!

Playing runescape and daymn man am I amazing! - CSS getting fun again!

Planning to proper "cotch" proof my garden for the summer its gna be huge!

So in love with my Becky Bramwell :3

Peace x

The normality of a expressive thought.

For a time there was once a me, A me that could only express great disatisfaction for the world and with God, That me was filled with un-comprimisable desire for chaos, A chaos in which the eye was the single most peaceful place me could be. I was an angry lil shit.

I am now 19, the idea of which is quite overwhelming. I feel lost for words, or rather lost in them, as the sentence I had on my lips and paragraph on my tongue become one word on my mind. It's a beautiful word, a simple word but one with deep meaning to all those who fully seek the concept of what it imples, It has a great gravity about it, a word that really cripples you and ushers you towards it, I sought it for so long and now I have it.

The truth does really set you free, My God is amazing, he is good, he is truth and so much more.

Freedom.

The grass is so much more greener, the rabbit hole so much more exciting, the truth so much more compelling and the freedom is so much more real with Jesus Christ and the God of Abraham, Issaccccc and Jacob.

My God my God my God, my eyes are set on you.

I have forgiven myself for leaving you behind South Africa.
I have forgiven myself for hating you so much England.

Peace, joy and freedom.

Heavens door.

I can feel somethings thats never happened before, When all becomes silent and day turns to night and the remnants of the past remind you of what should have been you can't help but smile in arrogance that atleast we tried.

Everything repeats itself and things change n change until they become one and the same again. Ive fallen and risen more times than I can count and declared war with many and lost many but gained some. Riddled with the idea of that which can not be met by anyone but yourself, which is a shame when together we promised to get there together, but I am the only one capable of making it through the gate which stood before us on that horizon, which stands firm in place within our grasp.

We once searched for the moon behind the cloud.

I will continue on like always.

I know soon that I will have to step out, I know soon that it will be my time. I know soon that my future will be that of Gods and I know that I will become that which I was is and already am.

It is just a shame that you are not what you said you where and that you lied, that you failed, that you couldnt and wouldnt. I believed we could dream but you continue to refuse too. I was born on a ground in the new world, I will reluctantly fold our desire to do which we where going to do in the freedom to give you freedom to chose the path you want to walk. I am so sorry that words can not alone express my sorrow that you didnt reach the resolve I had implaced on you.

I am sorry.

An unknowing step.

Ever tried walking on water? It just doesnt happen does it..
The best way to describe the way I feel my life moving is rather peculiar as I feel I am taking my first steps into an ocean of who God is and what life is. The water is rushing along my feet pulling me in slowly and each step takes me in deeper, the water is foamy and I cant see my step and rely on complete faith that I will place my foot somewhere that doesnt lead to something which would let me lose control...

I still find myself living life how I had been doing for a long time, But I have really changed perspective on the idea of what the world is to me, I find myself not bored nor captivated by life but rather content with the thought of living. I guess its dawned on me that I am becoming much more aware of who I dreamnt of being as a younger child.

chilled.

its approaching my 19th and its approaching jobs and its approaching decisions which would not only influence my own emotions but of those around me, I only hope that by Gods grace that I find a balance and seemingly have it got it all under lock n key!
I will always howl in the night when the moons is most full - I expect to here replies.

- Mitch (: