Makes you wanna cry.

Die n fly.

So.. I was ill ( my lungs again ), the coughing then popped a disk out and bang I had a slipped disk and I have been on my back for the better part of a month, I have also discovered that I have Manic Depression yo!

A month of which has re-shaped the person I am, I spoke once of being a butterfly in waiting, A ugly duckling eh? I'm faced with yesterday and It's all gravy now, Tomorrow will come in its own time, God's hammered in patients ( I think I get it now ).

I have been oh so disappointed with people though, oOoh So diSsaPointed!!

I needed support, My life changed and I was left alone in the hour at which I lay down my arms and prayed in hope, I expected more than this.. from "you" and from God.. God I do know will satisfy, "you" on the other hand.. Well you can fuck off!

Kitty cats making me rage!

This here will be the most important post that I have posted to date. I have been torn apart and left to the wolves of the mind to eat at me, Prometheus at best, I have an fate to attend too. For to long have I fought alone on these open planes for to long have others been oblivious to the plight of our generation, My voice being stripped from my being. They came for lungs first, trying to keep my quiet in a time when I had to praise, they never took my life but that was never the intended purpose. They came after my mind, driving me deep into an abyss only few have entered, I stood alone before him and rejected his non-authority. Now they have come to cripple my body in the atempt to have me forsake the faith I hold dear.

I am slipping into the blackness, Mania fused with apathy riddles my mind the only had been sanctuary from the pain. I feel slightly regressive, breaking out of my shell to spread my wings and fly. To what though would be the question but this will all be answered soon I spose. To all those who'm have disappointed me understand this depending on who I chose to be I will fuck you up. I will bare the mark of redemption and you're doubting spirit will be broken and you will seek forgiveness that you will not see light of, I will break you and personally feed you to the wolves, that or I could forgive, lets see what God would have of me.

XXX

I went to Amsterdam, it was something I regret but something I don't. It was a city that made my fire burn, A city that challenged every moral every principle I had come to value, It was in Amsterdam I realized how I'd given up and how I had lost my will to strive..

I don't think people have noticed that for a long time I have been alot weaker in all regards, I dont know why.. But each day is becoming more of a struggle mentally due to my lungs passing. I seriously feel I have lost the will to live entirely.

The person I am Is not the person I am.
narwhalyo : dont presume to know
narwhalyo : make sure to know
narwhalyo : it is our business to know
narwhalyo : you know?


I know. I want to fight. God I want to fight again I cry for the sword and shield and the thunderous fields on which battles lay waiting, so tempting that I lick my lips in anticipation, But I can't move. This time last year I lost a fight, a pretty big one, I believe I have have spent the year re-gaining everything I had lost in that defeat. As the battle was lost the war will be won, I mean I have won through Christ?

I wanted to question loyalty: I don't think the "british" ( I use this word to describe the people I know as "british" not the entire nation) have this principle, they're lack of it has made me come to a few realizations, Friendships arent real here, Depression is not real here and love is not real here.

I don't know, I'm just that guy who talks shit right?

I think I've lost love.

Names Mitch.

Drum.

drum drum drum

My fingers are white like whispers.

I'm crying out here for something, Something beyond the something which would have satisfied my desire yesterday!

For too long have I been wandering this vast desert which has had no fruit come of it! For to long have I cried out the fathers name...
Father I await you in that place you have prepared.

I'm fasting next week, I'm tired of being apathetic to my own cause, I fought alone a long time ago and broke, I have yet to repair.. But thats due to my own foolishness of not asking the father.. But this time.. This time!! I know my God is faithful. I know my God is caring and I know my God can win any fight! Do not forget that this is a fight, A serious fight.. the last fight in this saga of my life.. the last fight until I am at the water's edge.. drinking of it as if was life itself.

I am done waiting, This is the last time. I will find victory in God. I have too.

To all those who'm have helped but have fallen short.. Thank you, Thank you so much.
To those who think I am being over dramatic in all this - You have no idea how understated what I am saying is.

Come at me bro!

I am more than ready, world I hope you are.

I swear down blud, I'm running on empty.

I've always had this deep understanding that I should not have lived. I see my life as one big joke, Due to the circumstances of my birth.. I guess it could be interpreted in two ways, But either is not one I would have wished on anyone. I mean.. My colour's.. my joke.. me the joke! I'm not even God damn funny.

I have this thing about me that which leaves me to really turn my ear in the opposite direction of conversation, I really really really hate having to open my mouth n talk.. I don't have the desire to too.. I only do so when I have a passionate spark of revelation that I can't keep with in myself. I kinda just need someone to empathize with me and have my life seem so less awkward.

God God God!!

Don't mistake this as depression, I'm quite happy in my ignorance and in my "world" although right now.. I'm quite lost.. I don't have anyone to turn too, I have no-one who will comfort me in my time of need. I am emotionless!! again.. the darkness calls me with solace.. with pleasure with needing.. my curtains shut my eyes open but closed.. the darkness that feels so warm.. so fresh.. so right.. How I miss the abyss of the soul, the consumption the fire. I wanna burn bitch burn! The light was never my thing, Maybe everyone is right.. maybe I am that which dwells in the place angels fear to go. My temple, My fear, My heart<3333

Righteousness, holiness, love.. wisdom.. How far fetched was I thinking.. My own personal stigmata.. sanctification, Well right.

Be blessed, and pray I find my way.

narwhaly0!

Do something batman!

Its good. All good.